0verhyped

No! Without you, who will kill hundreds of people in ill-advised adventures that almost release unspeakable evils into the world to satisfy your ego as an explorer!

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Seeing as we’re in a new year and possibly a new gaming generation, I figured now is a good time to look back on what games from the last few years really defied my expectations. Either because they went above and beyond what I was expecting of them or because they were horrible letdowns that made me feel stupid for buying them. Today’s disappointment is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, the harrowing tale of a murderous crazy person killing hundreds of people led by a different murderous crazy person for some vague treasure that will have even vaguer repercussions.

I hated this game, and seeing as it was rated as one of the best games ever I must assume that what passes for an average Michael Bay movie in the film world is exceptional storytelling in a video game, just so long as you’re the one holding the guns. Not that I have anything against mindless action games, but that’s the other thing, Uncharted 2 is a crummy action game. About 90% of the game is shooting the same fucking generic mercenaries over and over again until you get to the end where you start fighting retarded Navi things that have quadruple the hitpoints.

I actually didn’t hate the first Uncharted. It’s what I would proudly call a very “okay” game. Basically a modern day Tomb Raider knock off with better graphics. Yay I guess? But then Uncharted 2 starting racking up rave reviews out the fucking ass and I’m wondering what the big deal was. Apparently every shitty Hollywood action movie cliche paraded on screen for like twenty hours provided you stop and headshot twenty suicidal morons every ten minutes.

My first problem with this game is you’re basically a fucking villain. Which I actually wouldn’t mind, except Uncharted seems to insist Drake is the hero because the other guy who wants… whatever the hell it is they want, is more evil, because he looks more evil. But that’s about it. Drake helps someone break into a Museum to steal a priceless relic, then breaks it without being certain it’s the right one, all because he wants to play treasure hunter. And before that they attack a bunch of security guards and Drake throws one right the fuck off a god damn cliff.

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And before some asshole points out this guy does survive, tell me, how the fuck do you safely throw someone the fuck off a cliff? Like Drake gave a shit if this guy smashed his head on the rocks or not.

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How is Drake a good guy? By the end of the game he’s killed like over three hundred people and wrecked the lost city of Shamballa. All to stop some creepy bald guy with incredibly vague motives, who probably never would have even made it to Shamballa if Drake didn’t keep helping him every time he gets captured. I seem to remember bald guy killing some camera man, but it’s never really clear what the danger is if he gets to Shamballa, partially because nobody seems to know what the hell they’ll find at Shamballa. For all Drake knew, he was slaughtering hundreds to stop one guy from reaching a wrecked empty city.

Seriously, if you don’t want your audience worrying about your main character’s homicidal tendencies, it’s a good idea to establish your villain as a legitimate threat early on. That’s why in Star Wars the Empire blows up a peaceful planet for no good reason, so you’re not all that worried about all the people Luke kills when he blows up the Death Star. It’s also why Indiana Jones usually fights Nazis and devil worshippers, and the one movie he didn’t was the one that sucked really hard.

But anyways, like Valkyria Chronicles, I could look past the disturbing premise if the gameplay was better, but it wasn’t. For a game that’s almost all shooting, the shooting isn’t very good. It’s not bad, but again, for a game that’s mostly shooting, I want more than not bad. The biggest problem is the total lack of enemy variety. Almost the entire game is made up of generic mercenary types who only exist to spray bullets and get shot in the head. And it takes like fifteen to twenty hours to finish the game! I guess some people are content in killing the same recycled character models ad infinitum, but for me that shit got old fast.

Compare something like Uncharted 2 to say, Gears of War, and the contrast in enemy variety is staggering. Where as Uncharted 2 has guys with guns, guys with body armor and guns, and blue guys with weird pseudo guns, Gears has guys with guns, giant blind crazy monster, big ass guys with rocket launchers, little guys who sneak up and melee you, exploding versions of those guys and guys with bows that one hit kill you. And despite having so many more enemy types than Uncharted 2, Gears is like half as long as Uncharted, probably because the guy designing it knows if you overuse these elements they become boring and your game should only be as long as you can keep the gameplay fresh.

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All though it’s probably a good thing Cliffy B wound up in the career he did. With that haircut I can’t imagine him surviving anywhere else.

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I suppose for people who like this game they would ask “Well, what about everything else?”, to which I’d say, what else was there? The stealth segments are forced and clunky, the “platforming” feels practically automated, the story is just flimsy excuses to move from one set piece to another, the layout is too linear for any real exploration (ironic since you’re supposed to be an explorer) and whatever few puzzles you find in the game are your standard move the jigsaw pieces crap so many games use.

I suppose the graphics are nice, I guess. Graphics have never really been all that important to me. As long as I know what I’m doing I’m usually fine. If I like what I’m playing the graphics can enhance things, but if I don’t then they don’t really matter all that much. There’s some good action set pieces in Uncharted 2. I guess that’s what people like about it. It’s like a twenty hour action movie you get to play. But for me, it didn’t play well, so I’d rather just watch an actual movie and save myself a day. Or just play a better game.

Oh, and there’s a multiplayer mode. But after playing the single player mode I couldn’t stomach picking up the controller again. Oh well.