Batten down the hatches! Giant spam waves off the starboard bough!
A.K.A. A RETREAD OF A FLUFF PIECE TO TIDE PEOPLE OVER UNTIL I GET BACK FROM BREAK
Hey, remember when I made a post called “Observed Weirdness of a Weblog”? No? Well, there! Now you know! And since I’m in desperate need for some me time, I figured doing another post on this subject would be a
lazy good way to say goodbye while I take some time off from writing nonsense about video games that about eight people seem to read. So enjoy pretty much the exact same thing I did before with the words slightly rearranged. Because I’m too burnt out to do much else right now.
(MORE) UNUSUAL RECOMMENDATIONS
So, just like before I’ll start things off by talking about weird places my obscure blog has been linked to. The first one I’d like to draw attention to isn’t so much a strange link but kinda of a surreal realization for me. Like everything on the internet, I get a lot of my hits from Google, Google Images, Google.co.uk, Google.IT. If there’s a Google than I (and probably you too) have been searched for on it. But there was a specific link that caught my attention, one from Google Translator.
Huh? Não falo português?
That’s my analysis of Braid’s plot in Portuguese. Now I know how Google Translate works. I’ve used it myself on several occasions to translate non-English websites. But actually seeing something I wrote now
flawlessly competently technically translated into another language in its entirety by a computer program, is actually very surreal. Seeing all those pictures with captions under them in a language I don’t speak was a little like looking into another dimension where I write in Portuguese instead.
The freaking comment at the end someone else wrote was now in Portuguese. Even the alt texts were translated! You know, when you let your mouse’s cursor sit on a picture for a second and some words pop-up? You all have been doing that when you read my blog right? Because I hate to think I’ve been spending all this time thinking up hilarious jokes to stick in the alt texts if none of you even knew how to find them…
You HAVE been doing that right? Please tell me you’ve been doing that!
I also got six hits from something called Crowd Flower. I’m not entirely sure what the hell they do, but it seems like they aggregate data or something. Wikipedia says they’re a crowdsourcing company, which is like outsourcing, except instead of sending the work to a country with more lenient (or no) labor laws, you outsource the work to the internet. I’m not sure what these people do, but the six hits are all from different links for “tasks” that have since been completed. So I’m guessing someone somewhere “sorted” my website for Crowd Flower for probably the sum of ten cents. That’s weird and creepy.
Looking at the big things, I get more hits from Google Images than anything, over 8000 at the time of posting this, nearly half my total hits period, despite the fact I don’t offer original images, just ones I steal from other people. That’s always a bit depressing, albeit it seems almost like an appropriate punishment. I’m usually too lazy to screen cap or draw my own images so I always steal other people’s pictures and now about half of the web traffic to this place is people probably looking to steal images I already stole. Funny. Oddly this one picture from my Earth Defense Force Review seems to get a lot of action.
Taken without permission from IGN.com.
Not sure why. If you type “Earth Defense Force 2017” into Google Images, this is the fifth thing to come up. Maybe it’s just because I talked about EDF more recently than a lot of other websites and that caused it to jump up the search results? I don’t know. I know on one particular day I got like over 200 hits from Google Images and 177 hits on Earth Defense Force. Like there was a sudden rush on EDF images at the beginning of January for some reason. Funny thing is the image in question was taken from IGN, just like the number two image for that search which is from IGN but attached to ButtonMashing.com.
Going past Google Images I’ve got gotten like 2600 hits from Google (Not Images) and just under 200 from Bing. Being the second most used search engine is sorta like being the second most breathed gas on Earth I suppose, there’s a big gap between it and first. Ironically I get a lot of hits from questions about Bing, but usually only from Google searches. I’ve gotten a measly 78 from WordPress and only 2 from WordPress’s internal search engine. Thanks fellas.
I also got one hit from WordPress posts tagged with the word ass. Probably from my Assassin’s Creed post since it had the tag ass in it. All though most of the stuff under that category are not using the word ass in a figurative sense (or safe for work). Then there’s these four hits from Shroomery.org, a website about “magic” mushrooms. Oddly enough, had nothing to do with my own offhand recollections of drug abuse, but was from a post about the new Star Trek movie. Someone, in response to news that the next Star Trek film killed someone, said they didn’t plan to see it and that Damon Lindeolf could quote, “eat a dick!” with that phrase linking people to my Prometheus review.
Now these are the kind of shining endorsements I live for! =D
Speaking of Damon Lindeolf eating a dick…
MORE PROMETHEUS ANTICS
So here’s a funny tidbit I discovered glancing over the referrers column one day. Now in my last OWoaW post (that’s what I’m going to abbreviate these things as) I pointed out that my
little ludicrously long review of the film Prometheus created a funny little incident over at Xenopedia, the Wikipedia for the Alien and Predator franchises. Specifically, in my review I wrote a speech for a character in the movie, demonstrating how easily he could explain his motives to the other characters and therefore avoid a really silly unnecessary plot twist in the third act.
This speech was apparently so convincing that after some sleuthing on my part about odd search terms I get on my blog, I found out the exact same speech, that I wrote, appeared on Xenopedia for the character in question. Some silly speech I pulled out my ass to criticize the movie wound up being confused for something the actual character in the movie said by a website of people who presumably really care about these kinds of things. It even preambled the actual description of the character, as if it this was a memorable quote he said. (He didn’t, I made it up!)
I actually did think about contacting someone over at Xenopedia about this, point out their little mix up, but I decided it might be more entertaining to see this play out on its own. After all, at the time Prometheus wasn’t even on DVD yet, so it was bound to be discovered sooner or later. I even said in my last OWoaW (I’m liking this weird abbreviation) post “It would make for a funny conversation when Prometheus hits DVD and the editors of Xenopedia realize that this entire speech isn’t actually in the movie, it’s from a practically unheard of web blogger who was complaining about the movie.”
Well lo and behold, I got a few hits from a Xenopedia talk page about Mr. Weyland, the character I wrote the speech for. Care to see what those hits were in reference to? (If you answered no, avert your eyes from the following image.)
Even the people who run the Alien Wikipedia don’t like Prometheus!
Wow, that turned out a lot better for me than I ever would have guessed. I actually thought that the people running Xenopedia would be at bit angry at me. What with something I wrote to make fun of Prometheus ending up on their wiki. But it turns out Prometheus isn’t even all that well liked over at Xenopedia! The editor who caught this says my writing was apparently too good to be associated with the actual movie. You get that? I pull something out of my ass to knock this movie, and when someone figures that out, they say “This movie doesn’t deserve that guy’s writing!”
Hey, how do you like that Damon Lindelof? (And to a much lesser extent Jon Spaihts, the other writer for Prometheus.) One random guy on the internet says my silly crap is too good to be associated with your crummy movie. If it weren’t for the fact you were being paid millions of dollars to live my dream job, I’d say I’m one up on you…
Well moving on from that, I noticed I got another search result for someone quoting a large paragraph from the same review. Maybe I should search for it myself and see if it leads me to another funny situation.
I guess lightning never strikes in the same place twice. Oh well, worth a try. It’s not like there’s any shortage of weird search results for me to browse through. Speaking of which…
FUNNY SEARCH RESULTS
Another fun thing about the fact that WordPress monitors fucking everything that happens with their blogs is looking through my search term column from time to time and seeing what kind of crazy shit people look for (and somehow got sent to me to accommodate). Like I said last time, a lot of people searching anonymously across the internet, bound to get some weird search terms.
Let me start simple with some of the questions I’ve seen pop up in my search terms column.
Why does Prometheus suck?
No More Heroes story analysis?
King of the herrings Fishing Resort how big are they on Fishing Resort?
Really really big. The biggest can even break twenty feet!
Fallout New Vegas how low does your intelligence have to be to say funny things?
Usually 3 INT triggers most of the dumbass dialogue. Some of them require an INT of 2 or lower though.
Reasons against DRM?
Several, right here.
What went wrong with Metroid Other M?
Several things, most of which can be traced back to poor writing.
Metroid Other M not sexist.
Yeah, it kinda was actually. All though it probably wasn’t trying to be.
How to make a duel disk?
…I don’t know. Just go somewhere and buy one. (If you can afford them.)
Masterpiece baby doll armor of Fallout.
Well that about does it for the rational stuff, let’s move onto the irrational stuff.
Actual Search Terms That Directed People To 0verhyped:
body builder black and white
lamb of god meme
michael fassbender prometheus hairstyle
microsoft word paperclip looks like you’re trying to write a suicide letter
All right, some of these I understand. Like the blotchy sillago one. A blotchy sillago is a small fish that was dirt common in the game Fishing Resort. In fact, they had a nasty tendency to hang around and bite your line right before that rare super special awesome fish you were aiming at get’s a chance. So when I wrote my Fishing Resort review I threw them in as a tag just for the hell of it. Searching for that term now, it turns out Fishing Resort made them kinda famous because the Fishing Resort Wiki (EVERYTHING HAS A WIKI!) is the first thing Google drags up.
Not sure what that Lamb of God meme thing is about though. Let’s see what Google says.
…I don’t get it, or why someone searching for this got pointed in my direction. That “body builder black and white” thing is pretty weird. Was somebody looking for multiracial porn or is there an actual difference between white body builders and black body builders? I wouldn’t know (about the body building thing). Longinches is pretty funny, especially considering I’ve gotten five hits from that term. No one looking for short inches though? They’re so much more compact! No clue on what taerg nature refers to or how my blog was involved in…whatever it is.
I also got six hit for Michael Fassbender’s hairstyle in Prometheus, and another two for the word “haircut”, probably because one of my alt texts for his picture mentioned his hair. I also got two hits from people looking for photos of Shaw’s hair. I suppose the movie itself did draw attention to David’s hair, what with him taking the time to style it a certain way after watching Peter O’Toole in Lawrence of Arabia. Still weird I’m apparently a source for people looking for that though.
Not hard to see why that jadedx.com thing would point this way, seeing as that’s about half my screen name. Currently it doesn’t seem like there’s anything actually at the web address though, all though I think there’s some kind of Maury Povich bit with that name on YouTube. I said think because I’m not brave enough to click on the actual video. The MS Paperclip helping with a suicide is clearly right from my Microsoft Rant. I actually made that image thanks this handy tool. Feel free to make your own Clippy pop-ups. If you actually search for “microsoft word paperclip looks like you’re trying to write a suicide letter“ you’ll find my Clippy as the second image to be suggested on Google Images, here’s the first.
Damn, that’s way better than my crappy Clippy image. Oh well, let’s move onto the next segment.‘
PORN! (RELATED SEARCH TERMS)
Because the internet is the porn capitol of the universe, it’s only natural that some of that porn searching spills over to the rest of us. And seeing how much I like to use vulgar terms like Fuck, Ass and Fuckass, it’s not too surprising I get a decent amount of hits from people looking for a particular brand of smut. I’m not one to judge, in fact I feel bad for accidentally wasting these perverts’ valuable time, because
I know what it’s like looking for fetish so specific that you have to start just hitting every website in hopes that you find something remotely related to what you want I’m considerate like that.
So let’s get to fun stuff.
Actual (Less Than Distinguished) Search Terms That Led People To 0verhyped:
fallout new vegas cass free porn videos
ninja tits gaiden
samus perfect boobs sex scene dailymotion
sexy costumes of samus zero suit of females and their asses
strip the prude
snake that looks like a penis
snake that look like a pines
sick and depraved porn
prometheus white guy 6 pack
Oh boy, why can’t I attract a higher status of pornographic purveyors? Seems like with I’m stuck with the lowbrow crowd. I mean I get two people searching for snakes that look like a penis, but THREE people looking for a snake that looks like a pines. Come on people, is penis really that hard to spell correctly? P-E-N-I-S. It’s easy as long as you don’t mix up the vowels. Because penis and pines mean completely different things. And I don’t care if Google does know what you’re looking for, it’s just sloppy.
Google understanding your fixation on snakes that are more phallic than usual isn’t any excuse for poor spelling.
So I do find the phrasing on some of these amusing. Like Ninja Tits Gaiden. That sounds like it could be an actual all female spin-off of the Ninja Gaiden series. The “fallout new vegas cass free porn videos“ one makes me wonder if there’s a website that has sex videos for Fallout: New Vegas’s Cass, but charges for them. If there is, than I’d just recommend ponying up buddy, I don’t think there’s many free services for that kind of thing. (All though there probably is at least one, knowing the internet, but it ain’t me.)
Now because I used words like “sex”, “sexy”, “ass”, “naked”, “boobs”, “skin tight” and “mind blowing orgasm” in my Other M analysis, I get a lot of searches for Samus related porn, even though all those words were used in an very innocent non-pornographic context. The “samus perfect boobs sex scene dailymotion” is kinda weird. I actually typed that into Google (for research purposes) and my blog is the very first thing that comes up… The second one is Wikipedia’s article on Samus Aran and the rest is a bunch of porn. I really think “sexy costumes of samus zero suit of females and their asses” is funny though. I get that this person was probably looking for ass shots of Samus, but the phrasing suggests there are females who leave their asses at home or something.
Not sure what “strip the prude” is suppose to be about, or what it has to do with me. Sounds almost like a term TVtropes.org would use (but I just checked and they don’t). Maybe it’s some kind of specific humiliation fetish about stripping prudish people? I wouldn’t know anything about that (and certainly haven’t spent years looking for exactly that). I’m curious if the “sick and depraved porn” search was actually for sick and depraved porn, or someone upset about sick and depraved porn. Either way, 0verhyped was probably a disappointment for them. The “prometheus white guy 6 pack” is funny because one of my alt texts for an image of the shirtless engineer was that only gay porn should start with shaved albino bodybuilders.
Ah yeah, drink it all in.
(MOAR) STATISTICS STUFF
Yeah statistics! Everyone loves statistics right? (Don’t answer, either way it’ll probably depress me.) Let’s see, well I think last time I said that I get like ten spam comments for every one actual comment. Today it’s closer to FORTY spam comments for every one actual comment. If you look at the little chart at the top but refrain from actually clicking on it, you’ll see the spam on my crappy little blog kind of comes in waves. But it does keep going up as this place gets marginally more popular.
You know I probably wouldn’t mind as much if the spambots were a little more creative. It’s almost always generic “This is so informative!” and “I can’t believe this not more popular!” and other mindless praise surrounded by hyperlinks that lead to all kinds of bullshit. From weird TV websites, to people selling crap like blankets, to some Spanish website that I couldn’t figure out. But I notice this one spam comment that I thought was kind of clever.
You might have to click this to read it.
So if you ignore the incoherent first paragraph, and the last part that’s an ad for NFL Jerseys, you might notice the second paragraph is talking about what a disappointment this blog is and how I was just whining about crap for attention. Hey, that does sound like me! And this was suppose to be posted on my BioShock rant, which is one my whiniest posts. If it weren’t for the constant jersey pimping and the fact the first paragraph makes no fucking sense, I might have actually been fooled into thinking this was a real comment. These spambots are starting to smarten up a little.
So moving past spam, what would you think my most popular post would be? My Prometheus Review? No More Sanity: How No More Heroes Deconstructs Modern Games? Was Metroid: Other M Sexist? Whatever the hell this is? What’s that? You don’t give a shit? …well fuck you, I’m telling you anyways. Ignoring the home page, the post that’s gotten the most hits is actually my review of Earth Defense Force 2017. Weird huh? I guess between that one image being high on Google images and not many people talking about EDF in 2012 led to a decent amount of people coming my way.
Because the second most popular post is actually the one for Star Wars: Rebellion/Supremacy. Yeah, my lazy ass review of a fifteen year old PC game has gotten over a thousand hits. I guess the number of people writing reviews for it last year was next to nobody. So if you just now heard about it, I was likely the most recent comment on the topic at hand. And I don’t think people just get directed to it because of some weird Google Image weighting either, because the pictures in it are amongst the most clicked anything for my entire blog and I never get clicks from Google Images itself. It’s like people really want to take in those cutting edge 1990’s graphics after hearing about how great the game is or something.
You’re not missing that much. You don’t always have to click on these you know.
Well that’s it for now folks. I’m taking another break from 0verhyped. I’ve gotta file my taxes, then file taxes for the place I work at, then probably file my brother’s taxes when he inevitably messes them up, play some video games I’ve been sitting on, listen to some CD’s, watch some DVD’s I’ve been sitting on for like four years now, get that “thing” checked out by a doctor, then get that “other thing” checked out, and probably put out that huge tire fire that’s been going in the backyard since New Year’s at some point.
Basically I need some me time to get some stuff done, but I’ll be back eventually. Actually with a little luck it might not be that long. I saw this awesome documentary about time travel and how on February 2nd you can actually jump back to beginning of the day and start all over as many times as you want. It’s like hitting reset for real life, so you can get all the spare time you need tomorrow since tomorrow never has to end. And the best part is you don’t have to live with the consequences of what you’ve done since the day starts over. Can’t believe I wasn’t told about this sooner! I’m so doing all that stuff I’ve been wanting to do forever tomorrow, and then again again again until I finally get my fill. It’s gonna be great! There’s literally no possible way I’ll horribly regret this!